Life Gets in the Way

It happens to everyone. You have goals, you have plans, and something always gets in the way and sometimes things have to be put on hold. It is frustrating and maddening but it’s life.

For me it was bills. I had to put finances first before I could continue with my fertility treatments. What sucked most was that I already had begun my next round of Femara at the end of December when I started my period and when I called to schedule my ultrasounds, I was told that I couldn’t because I still owed a co-payment… Okay, that was my fault; I should have paid. I was still pissed off because they could have told me before I started my medicine and ordered my Ovidrel shot. Being right before Christmas, I just didn’t have the money.

Come January I had no choice but to see if the Femara would work on its own without the shot. My period came just on time, so no pregnancy. I then had to wait until tax returns came in to pay my doctor and so February came and went without medicine at all and we all know how that turned out…

So here I am, the end of March. I’ve paid what I owed and since I couldn’t take medicine last month, my period was a no show. My doctor started me back on Femara and on my fifth day of 7.5 mg, my period started and so I was put on another five days. I had my ultrasounds as scheduled and I only had one good follicle at size 22 mm, but all it takes is one! So, I took my Ovidrel and I’m nearing the end of my two week wait.

This time around I’m doing pretty well. It wasn’t until yesterday that I thought much about whether or not this round would work. Usually I obsess over it. I had no choice, I ended up with a yeast infection and I had to call my doctor to see if the medicine I got at the store was safe to take in case I was pregnant…then it hit me that I only had a few days left before my two week wait was over!

With the thought it my mind, I remembered stories I’ve read about other women that never had yeast infections until they were pregnant and it was their first sign of pregnancy. I tried to push the thought from my mind, after all I’ve had yeast infections before, just not often.

My breasts are very full but they don’t hurt like they usually do before my period, they are just heavy and my husband even noticed before I did. The only other “symptom” (if you can call it that) is utter EXHAUSTION! The last four or five days I have been so tired and when I’m awake I feel groggy.

I don’t normally feel this way before my period and sometimes I will come home and take a nap after bringing my husband to work so early in the morning but these last few days I’ve HAD to take a nap. My body gave me no choice. For instance: Yesterday I was fine when I brought hubby to work. I went home, got a paper I needed for the DMV, went to the store to go grocery shopping, stopped at the DMV, got home and put everything away and I was still full of energy. I didn’t even want to sit down! I can’t remember the last time I was so energized. I decided to play one of my video games (yes, I play) and I ate something for lunch and suddenly my body felt so heavy and I could hardly lift the remote to play and my eyes just wouldn’t stay open. It was like a sugar crash without the sugar!

Today I went back to bed when I got home and I woke up on my own at eleven this morning but I’m still tired and groggy, though I doubt I’d be able to sleep even if I tried…

I’m trying not to read too much into anything. I’ve taken a test today and it was negative, as I expected. So I’m just going to wait…

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Took a test…and then it started

It never fails… you wait and each day that passes you think, “this could be it!”. You finally decide to test (again, if you’ve given into temptation) and within hours after testing, your period starts.

That is exactly what happened to me this morning.

I had a feeling because my breasts got even more sore just yesterday. But, I couldn’t resist in testing and seeing that horrible BFN (big fat negative) again… took a nap since I didn’t get much sleep and when I woke and went to the bathroom, I wiped and there it was. I heaved a heavy sigh and put in the tampon as my heart sank.

I’m trying to look on the bright side. The medicine worked. I ovulated and for whatever reason we didn’t get pregnant and so my body is doing exactly what it’s supposed to. I’m now shedding my lining to start anew.

I called my doctor to let him know what is going on and as planned, we are going to try one more round of the Femara starting on cycle day three and I’ll take that for five days. On cycle day twelve I’ll go in to monitor my follicles to be sure the Femara is working and when they are ready, I’ll trigger shot with the Ovidrel and try again.

If this next round doesn’t work, there are two possible options…we talked about adding other injections to the mix such as Gonal-f but there was also talk of moving up to IVF. I’m not sure what my doctor will recommend.

On one hand, with the success rate of IVF, I’m almost tempted to just go for it but on the other hand, if these meds are working, maybe I just need a little boost.The longer I hold out on IVF, the more cost it is. I hate decisions…

While I’m obviously disappointed (mostly because I was hoping to surprise people with the news on Christmas if I did get pregnant), I do acknowledge that this was only my first round. I’m not losing hope like I had so easily before and I know that it is in part because of the great doctor I’m working with. Also, my husband is very supportive, at least as much as he can be.

On a lighter note: at least my period will end before Christmas! I won’t have to worry about running to the bathroom every half hour to make sure I’m not leaking or anything.

Ovidrel Out of System

I knew it was too early to test for pregnancy only being a week or so into the two week wait but I was curious to see what the result would be due to the Ovidrel. The test came out negative so I assume that the hcg from the trigger shot has gotten out of my system. This also means that when I test again and if it comes out positive, it’s from pregnancy not from the trigger shot.

Regardless, it was still a little sucky to see that all too familiar negative blank test…

I’m still experiencing symptoms but most can be attributed to PMS. I still have full tender breasts and sore nipples (though I have noticed that they aren’t as bad as they usually get before my period). I have an increased appetite but no more cravings, though now nothing really looks good to me. I still have quite a bit of creamy lotion like cervical mucus and I keep checking if I’ve started my period sooner than expected because I keep feeling wet. I have some light cramping but nothing like my period cramps.I am having some mood swings but nothing too over the top – I don’t think…

The weirdest symptom thus far is the constipation. I also have a weird pain/pressure in my rectum but only when I have to go to the bathroom. It’s not really too painful, I just can’t really push because that’s when I feel it.

I’ve read that it could be a symptom of an ectopic pregnancy but usually it doesn’t happen until around 5 weeks or so. But I also read somewhere else that a few women have felt that as an early pregnancy sign and had healthy pregnancies. This is the problem with all of us being so different – I’m not like every one else and neither are you so we can’t always go by what other women went through.

If this is still happening next week when I test, regardless of the result, I’ll let my specialist know. I’m planning on testing Wednesday and each day after until my period shows or I get a positive result. If after another week I have yet get either, I’ll call the doctor.

One other thing to note, I’m also having some extremely weird vivid dreams which I also know could be a sign of pregnancy, though vivid dreams aren’t uncommon with me. It’s just been happening a lot more frequently the last few days. And holy cow are they strange!

A little background: I did have two friends living with my husband and I for about four months until they decided to move out. It was a friend and his pregnant girlfriend and we were doing it to help them save money for their own place.

In my dream, I can’t remember why but I ended up getting very angry at the girlfriend and kicked them both out. They kept coming back for their stuff, purposely not taking everything each time so that they had to keep coming back. Each time they came back, the more hostile and mouthy the girlfriend would get.

Eventually I told our friend that he was allowed to come back for their stuff but she was not. If she came back with him, I’d call the police and that the next time he came, he was to get all of his stuff or else the rest would be thrown out.

This made her even crazier and she did come back, though she didn’t come in the house but she kept taunting me. Apparently I was pregnant and she kept saying stuff like “I hope your baby dies”…all the while she’d laugh maniacally with an evil grin on her face.

I started to chase her and she turned into this giant wingless dragonfly (that could still fly) and she’d attack me and bite at me, laughing the whole time. Knowing she was pregnant, I didn’t want to squish her so each time I grabbed her wingless body, I’d just try to throw her but she’d keep coming back.

Yep, strange!

The one last night wasn’t as insane as that dream. Again I was pregnant in this dream and I had an idea for my baby shower that I wanted to string up circles cut out of construction paper where I’d write little sayings or thoughts I had for the baby as a keep sake. I had seen something similar online but it was circles with ultrasound pictures from the first, all the way up to the last trimester but I didn’t want to do that (for some reason because I actually like the idea).

I went to my sisters room (I don’t know why she was living with us in the dream) and asked for the paper and her metallic markers. By the time I left the room and got into the living room, my husband had already cut out ultrasound pictures and hung them up and I got so angry because I didn’t want to do that and I began to cry until I realized that I never told him that idea to begin with.

I asked him where he got the idea and he said “Well, my first thought was to have pictures of your breasts hanging up, how they were before pregnancy and how they’ve changed, but I thought this was better since other people will be here.”

He then took an empty picture frame with no backing and held it up to his own chest to frame out his nipple. “Or we could just do mine!” I started laughing and crying at the same time and then woke up.

I can’t really explain either of these dreams but they were so vivid! All I can do right now is hope it’s a good sign – strange, but good.

Feeling Good…For Now

I’m half way into my two week wait now, give or take. At this point I’m feeling pretty good and the last week hasn’t dragged on nearly as slowly as I thought it would. Actually, the last four days have gone by rather quickly.

Although it is still too early to feel any true pregnancy symptoms, I continue to over analyze everything before the rational side of my brain kicks in and tells me to stop being so stupid!

Right on time, a few days after I should have ovulated, I began to feel a few PMS symptoms. I’m one of those that gets tender breasts and sore nipples during PMS so it’s not a clear pregnancy indicator for me, which sucks actually. I know it was the first symptom my mom had that alerted her to being pregnant with me and then my sister but no such luck here.

Something to note is some cravings I had the other day. Normally during PMS I crave chocolate milk. It’s more of a NEED than a want. The other day however, I craved watermelon horribly! I like watermelon – it’s pretty good. But I don’t love watermelon and rarely seek it out.

So hubby was kind enough to bring me to the store where I got the watermelon and then I realized that I also wanted tortilla chips and salsa con queso! I picked that up too.

At home, hubby cut the watermelon in half and both he and I devoured it – using spoons to eat out the red juicy flesh because who needs it cut into slices, right? While scooping out spoonfuls of watermelon, I’d eat my chips and salsa in between bites. Mmmm, it was SO good!

Then that was it…the next day I didn’t want either of them and I still have half of a watermelon in the fridge and neglected tortilla chips and salsa…I hate to waste food so I’m hoping that craving will hit again soon, just so I don’t feel bad.

The only other thing that has happened since ovulation is the change in my cervical mucus. It went from being very wet and slippery up to ovulation and now its white and kind of like lotion. I’ve been keeping an eye on it every day and each day that passes I’ve noticed that there is more and more of it. It’s not dry or crumbly at all – actually my vagina is quite wet because of how much there is. It’s like I’m a human lotion dispenser!

I’ve looked it up and there is conflicting views on what cervical mucus is like after ovulation and if changes like this are a very early sign of pregnancy or not. The conclusion I’ve drawn is that every person is different therefore we will never get a solid definitive answer on this. What kind of crap is that?!

Some women do develop a creamy lotion like discharge after ovulation that increases as days go by and they turn out to be pregnant. Some women dry up after ovulation and still turn out to be pregnant. Others get the lotion like mucus and aren’t pregnant.

For women like me that are trying to conceive and look for anything as a sign that we’ve finally done it, answers like this are disappointing and at times we deny them. The truth is, cervical mucus can be a factor and is certainly worth keeping track of, but it is not the only answer and it can be misleading given how diverse we all are.

I will add that out of all of the pages I looked at, all of the forums I’ve scoured, the majority of women that found out they were pregnant did have an increase in cervical mucus that resembled white creamy lotion. It is common but again, it is not a certain thing.

Having said that, I’m holding onto the hope that it could be a sign but I’m not devoting my heart to it. I will continue to track it and see what happens.

On a lighter note, hubby and I cut down our Christmas tree and have it all decorated! I’m looking forward to carrying on with this family tradition when we have a little one to enjoy it with.

Actually, it was rather cute… when we were out looking for our “perfect” tree, we saw another family at the tree farm doing the same and they had this little boy all bundled up, running from tree to tree and so very excited. Every tree was perfect to him and so he pointed each one out before running up to the next. To him these trees were HUGE but in reality, they were only about three to four feet tall.

I told hubby that if our child picks out a small tree that he/she thinks is perfect, we’ll still cut it down and then let them have it in their bedroom to decorate themselves. We’ll still have the family tree in the living room but that little tree will be theirs. We’ll start a new tradition and our child can create the ornaments out of paper and such, though I probably won’t let them have lights on it until they are older and know about fire safety.

I’m very cautiously optimistic right now. I just keep thinking, wouldn’t it be wonderful to find out we’re pregnant just before Christmas? What an unbelievably beautiful present that would be!

Two Week Wait

I’m only beginning the two week wait and I’m already getting impatient. The day I took the trigger shot I had so much hope and excitement. Yesterday I was still feeling pretty damn good. Today, not so much…

Perhaps it was lack of sleep, I keep telling myself. I do get up early in the morning to bring hubby to work and usually only get six hours of sleep. I decided to go back to sleep this morning when I got home and didn’t wake up until almost one in the afternoon! Still felt like crap…

Even though I had “twinges” in my right side which led me to believe I may actually be ovulating, I’ve convinced myself that it didn’t work. I’ve been trying for so long and although I often have moments of hope, deep down I can’t help but believe that it just won’t happen.

Technically the trigger shot finalizes the maturing process of the follicles before forcing the ovary to ovulate which doesn’t happen until around twenty four to thirty six hours. Given I took the shot around 8pm Tuesday, I wouldn’t have ovulated until last night or this morning assuming I don’t ovulate a little later than that…this would also mean that I’m not even technically a day into the two week wait and yet here I am – a mess.

Wouldn’t it be wonderful if the exact moment the egg became fertilized, there would be some clue that we are in fact pregnant? Some super early immediate symptom not related to PMS or anything other than pregnancy that assured us that we are indeed pregnant.

That isn’t the case…No, we have to wait until we get close to having our period or sometimes even after, that is if she doesn’t rear her ugly head! Then we have to wait an additional few minutes for the stupid line to appear, if it appears. And I’ll tell you, those few minutes pass slower than the two week wait…

You pee on a stick and see the control line appear and for a split second your heart skips a beat because you see a line and secretly hope it’s not the control line, but it is. While you wait your thoughts and emotions are scattered – I’m pregnant, I know it! No, I’m not, I can’t be…Yes, I am, I have to be! Meanwhile you meticulously study the stick, looking for any hint of a line, a shadow of a line, ANYTHING! I think I see something! Nope, just my eyes playing tricks..Is that…no, not yet.

I’ve tried keeping myself busy during this time – doing random meaningless tasks to pass the time but I find myself looking back at the test every ten seconds anyway.

Time is up! We look at the test and pause. For me it has always been blank (aside from the time I had an apparent chemical pregnancy but that’s another story). I’d pick up the test and look at it from every possible angle and in every kind of lighting to see if there is even a hint of a line. Then, while I’m flooded with disappointment and sadness, I’d get angry at the test like the result was its fault and violently toss it into the trash.

The one and only time I did have a positive I remember looking at the test in dismay. I was shocked and surprised but above all, in denial. I took it down to show my husband and it was definitely positive. The excitement came and the joy…oh the joy! Even still, I took another test the next morning and another positive! I can’t describe the elation…

I took pictures of both tests and I couldn’t stop looking at them and each time my heart would swell with so much love and happiness.

So, here I am again…waiting, wanting, needing, and even dreading. I want this so badly that it hurts and it is completely out of my hands. I will wait because I have no choice and then when the time comes, I’ll test with shaking hands – not so good when peeing by the way.

Has it been two weeks yet?

First Trigger Shot and What I’ve Learned Since Trying to Conceive

Tonight I will take my first trigger shot! I am both excited and nervous. I’m not exactly thrilled about sticking a needle into my stomach…but hey, it’s what I’ve got to do and there are worse things.

Of course this also means hubby and I will have to ‘do the deed’ tonight and according to my doctor, the next three nights. Not that hubby is complaining and honestly, I’m not either. My body is responding naturally to the growing follicles as if I’d ovulate on my own and so my fertile window is open and therefore my sexual appetite has increased over the last few days. Nope, no complaints!

Then we have the dreaded two week wait…something we all have to go through and something we all hate. Even if you’re hoping to NOT be pregnant, the two weeks drag on slower than sand in an hour glass. It’s like watching every tiny grain of sand drop to the bottom of the glass, and then the next, and then the next…each one falling slower than the last.

During this time we’re like mad women, driven crazy by the what-ifs. What if I am pregnant, what do I do then? (Call the doctor, of course but in that moment your brain is a haze and common sense just doesn’t exist). What if I’m not pregnant, what do I do then? What if I am pregnant but it isn’t viable or something is wrong?

All the while we’re also over analyzing everything our body is doing during this time. I have a headache today, could that mean I’m pregnant? I swear I can feel something happening down there, I must be pregnant! My nipples tingled, I felt dizzy or nauseous, I burped…it has to be a symptom!

Most of these thoughts happen only days after ovulation and of course it’s far too early to tell anything considering it takes seven to ten days for the fertilized egg to finally embed into the uterine lining…or for the unfertilized egg to drop into the uterus just to be expelled during menses. But that doesn’t matter right now – everything we feel just HAS to mean something!

In the meantime we spend hours upon hours googling everything we can, even if we’ve already done extensive research before. Everything from early pregnancy symptoms to watching videos of women in labor so we’re “prepared” for the big day.

We talk to women in groups on social media sites, have conversations in chat rooms, talk with every woman you know that is pregnant or had kids before to see what they went through, not to mention the apps we’ve downloaded onto our phones that keep us occupied indefinitely.

I have learned more about my body (and my husbands) during this time than I care to admit. Do you remember health class in school when they reviewed sex-ed? Yeah, things have changed since then…what your teachers taught you was black and grey compared to the vivid technicolor details you’re about to, if you haven’t already! Here are some examples, some of which you may already know but things I’ve learned since embarking on this journey.

In school I was taught the basics – you have sex, the sperm makes its way through the uterus and up to the Fallopian tubes where it meets the egg and BAM, you’re pregnant. Just like that. There was also a funny infrared video of a man getting an erection that made us all giggle, but that’s besides the point.

Sure, they went into more detail too.. I was taught that the strongest sperm would worm its way into the egg which would trigger the egg to harden so no other sperm could penetrate it (unless you have multiples of course). Now I’ve learned that the egg may have more involvement in this in that it could actually choose which sperm to fertilize with.

To add more power to women, I’ve also learned that we may be ‘growing’ eggs throughout our entire fertile age, up to menopause. It was once believed that we were born with a certain amount of eggs which would age along with us and die off as we get older, thus making our chances of conceiving harder the older we get.

Yes, age still plays a factor in our ability to get pregnant however, it is more due to hormones and such rather than the production of eggs, or lack there of.

I’ve also learned more about our menstrual cycles month to month. I wrote about freaking out when I had my period while on Femara…normally this wouldn’t be a big deal since women are usually put on Femara three days into their period but I started the medication without a period, so starting it mid way scared me. While I might be growing follicles as the medication intended, would my lining be thick enough for the egg to implant?

Apparently, yes! Just a few days after stopping my period, my lining was already beginning to thicken AND I also discovered that once a woman ovulates, the hormone progesterone is released which thickens the lining even more to prepare the body for the egg. If the egg isn’t fertilized, the lining is shed which is what our period is. The cycle then repeats – though for me it doesn’t always work out that way because of my PCOS.

The ‘string of pearls’ which is indicative to PCOS are actually tiny cysts left behind when immature eggs never fully develop. If there is no ovulation, there is no period. Although that isn’t necessarily true either because I’ve had periods before without ovulating which is due to hormones elevating and dropping.

As I wrote earlier, I’ve also discovered that once the egg is fertilized (or not) it takes around seven to ten days for it to reach the uterus – that is unless it becomes ectopic which is when the egg implants in the Fallopian tube. It is impossible to have symptoms of pregnancy until the egg implants (you’re not technically pregnant until that happens)and the hormone HCG is released into your system. It is this hormone that will be detected in pregnancy tests and is why we must wait at least two weeks from ovulation to test.

I’ve also found out that women with PCOS can have false positive ovulation tests. While they can work for some women, I am not one of them. I was getting positives each month while on Clomid and it turned out I wasn’t ovulating, but I was having a period at the end of the month. So confusing (and frustrating)!

I’m also not one of those women that can judge where I am in my cycle by checking cervical mucus (a topic I never thought I’d be okay with discussing and honestly, I still find the thought a little gross). I know what it should do though…early in your cycle it should be dry or break apart easily. Then it’ll get creamy and lotion like. The closer to ovulation the more it’ll thin out and get sticky and stretchy like egg whites, which is supposed to be most fertile but watery cervical mucus is also just as good. After ovulation it should dry up again.

I only remember one time I’ve experienced egg white consistency and it was years ago. I’ve never been really dry but I’ve had lotion like fluids and watery, which is what I’m experiencing now since I’m close to ovulation but I’ve had watery fluid before. I simply cannot tell just with cervical mucus alone. I envy women that can!

I’m more in tune to my body now, more so than ever before. Especially when it comes to my mood. Most women know (even if they don’t admit) that moods change during our cycles, most notably during PMS. I’ll admit that I can get irritable close to my period and since I want to be pregnant so bad, I get crabby and sometimes depressed when my period comes. But, do you notice the differences in your mood during the rest of the month?

The Femara has given me more hope than I’ve had in a long time and I’m sure that has played a part in my mood this cycle but with the help of one of my (many) apps, I can see changes in how I feel with correspondence to my cycle.

I knew I was going to start my period when I was put on the Provera because that’s what it does. It didn’t change the fact that I still became a bit bitchy when it started. Then I had to go through my tests before starting my Femara and you know by now that I started my period while taking that.

This period was a little different because my normal PMS symptoms are also physical. Usually my breasts become more soft and very sensitive and painful. I also get really bad cramps and a very heavy flow. While my flow was heavy this last time, I have very little cramping and absolutely no changes in my breasts. This might have made it easier on my mood, however the fear that my period could interfere with everything working, I would go from being fine to crying because I wanted this to work and I was sure it wouldn’t.

Then I found out that I could still get pregnant so fear alleviated. Of course I’m more at ease now and I can’t contain my excitement but aside from that, I’ve noticed that the more my follicles grow and the closer I get to ovulation, the happier I’ve become. In general I feel really good and for someone that has battled depression their whole lives, I tend to notice when I feel good.

I’ve also mentioned that my sex drive has increased. This is probably the bodies natural response, after all, you can’t get pregnant without sex and it must be timed with ovulation. Knowing that we are using the trigger shot today, I didn’t want to ‘have relations’ with hubby yesterday so we can “conserve” his supply. Easier said than done but I suffered through the night as tempted as I was.

I’m obviously hoping that I’ll get pregnant and not have to go through this again (until the next time at least) but if it isn’t our time yet, I’ll be curious to see if this pattern continues next month.

There’s much more that I’ve learned recently but I don’t intend on writing a book on the subject so I’ll end it here. I just find it so fascinating especially when comparing other women to myself and how diverse we all are. I also love discovering new things about myself and what my body is capable of. Anywho, wish me luck!

 

Follicles of Size

Due to Thanksgiving holiday, I had to go to my specialist an hour away to get my ultrasound done on the 25th. An hour-long drive for a 15 minute appointment…Ugh. But hey, it was worth it.

I arrived at the office and they immediately took me in for my ultrasound. Given it was to measure my follicles, it was transvaginal. Awkward, yes. Uncomfortable at times, yes. There is nothing natural about guiding a long probe into your vagina then having a technician moving it around inside you – pressing and massaging the uterus to get a good picture.

Thankfully I had good news. The Femara looked like it was working. Despite my period ending only two days before hand, my lining was already thickening and I had two dominant follicles, one at 13mm and another just a bit smaller. I also had a few others but not notable. I was ecstatic! Maybe this will work!

I got my blood work done and went home. They called me later that day saying I’d need to have another ultrasound Monday the 28th but this time it would be closer to home at a place I had never been before but with which they work closely with.

Today is the 28th… I did indeed get my ultrasound and more good news – my follicles are now 17.5 and 16.9! Not far left to go! Trigger shot, here I come! I’m just now waiting for a call back to see what I should do next. Do I go for yet another ultrasound or wait a day or so and trigger without it?

But here is my vent for the day because not everything went A-Okay.

I had my blood drawn before my ultrasound and while I’m sitting there with my hubby at my side, the lady that was going to draw my blood tells me that she is the fertility specialist at their office. Now mind you, she had already mentioned how I could have gone there instead of Boston IVF (which is my specialist and happy that they are), but she mentioned it again and I naturally just blew it off.

Next she asked me if I had good veins. I’ve never had problems with blood draws. I have a large vein in each arm right down the middle – no one EVER misses. So, she puts on the tourniquet and says, “Oh, yes you do have good veins.That’s surprising because people like you usually don’t.”

‘People like me’?! What the hell? Go ahead and say what you’re thinking lady. Just come out and say “Fat people” or “Obese people”…either way, is it really necessary to point that out?

Needless to say, I’m not thrilled. I will only deal with them for my blood work and ultrasounds as needed until I get pregnant (if I don’t find another place to go in the meantime) but any thoughts I had before about going to them for OBGYN care, screw that! I may be overweight but I am still a person and you should treat me as such. I know what I weigh and I don’t need you pointing it out.

People like me…seriously. You keep saying crap like that and ‘people like me’ will slap the shit out of you.