Took a test…and then it started

It never fails… you wait and each day that passes you think, “this could be it!”. You finally decide to test (again, if you’ve given into temptation) and within hours after testing, your period starts.

That is exactly what happened to me this morning.

I had a feeling because my breasts got even more sore just yesterday. But, I couldn’t resist in testing and seeing that horrible BFN (big fat negative) again… took a nap since I didn’t get much sleep and when I woke and went to the bathroom, I wiped and there it was. I heaved a heavy sigh and put in the tampon as my heart sank.

I’m trying to look on the bright side. The medicine worked. I ovulated and for whatever reason we didn’t get pregnant and so my body is doing exactly what it’s supposed to. I’m now shedding my lining to start anew.

I called my doctor to let him know what is going on and as planned, we are going to try one more round of the Femara starting on cycle day three and I’ll take that for five days. On cycle day twelve I’ll go in to monitor my follicles to be sure the Femara is working and when they are ready, I’ll trigger shot with the Ovidrel and try again.

If this next round doesn’t work, there are two possible options…we talked about adding other injections to the mix such as Gonal-f but there was also talk of moving up to IVF. I’m not sure what my doctor will recommend.

On one hand, with the success rate of IVF, I’m almost tempted to just go for it but on the other hand, if these meds are working, maybe I just need a little boost.The longer I hold out on IVF, the more cost it is. I hate decisions…

While I’m obviously disappointed (mostly because I was hoping to surprise people with the news on Christmas if I did get pregnant), I do acknowledge that this was only my first round. I’m not losing hope like I had so easily before and I know that it is in part because of the great doctor I’m working with. Also, my husband is very supportive, at least as much as he can be.

On a lighter note: at least my period will end before Christmas! I won’t have to worry about running to the bathroom every half hour to make sure I’m not leaking or anything.

Ovidrel Out of System

I knew it was too early to test for pregnancy only being a week or so into the two week wait but I was curious to see what the result would be due to the Ovidrel. The test came out negative so I assume that the hcg from the trigger shot has gotten out of my system. This also means that when I test again and if it comes out positive, it’s from pregnancy not from the trigger shot.

Regardless, it was still a little sucky to see that all too familiar negative blank test…

I’m still experiencing symptoms but most can be attributed to PMS. I still have full tender breasts and sore nipples (though I have noticed that they aren’t as bad as they usually get before my period). I have an increased appetite but no more cravings, though now nothing really looks good to me. I still have quite a bit of creamy lotion like cervical mucus and I keep checking if I’ve started my period sooner than expected because I keep feeling wet. I have some light cramping but nothing like my period cramps.I am having some mood swings but nothing too over the top – I don’t think…

The weirdest symptom thus far is the constipation. I also have a weird pain/pressure in my rectum but only when I have to go to the bathroom. It’s not really too painful, I just can’t really push because that’s when I feel it.

I’ve read that it could be a symptom of an ectopic pregnancy but usually it doesn’t happen until around 5 weeks or so. But I also read somewhere else that a few women have felt that as an early pregnancy sign and had healthy pregnancies. This is the problem with all of us being so different – I’m not like every one else and neither are you so we can’t always go by what other women went through.

If this is still happening next week when I test, regardless of the result, I’ll let my specialist know. I’m planning on testing Wednesday and each day after until my period shows or I get a positive result. If after another week I have yet get either, I’ll call the doctor.

One other thing to note, I’m also having some extremely weird vivid dreams which I also know could be a sign of pregnancy, though vivid dreams aren’t uncommon with me. It’s just been happening a lot more frequently the last few days. And holy cow are they strange!

A little background: I did have two friends living with my husband and I for about four months until they decided to move out. It was a friend and his pregnant girlfriend and we were doing it to help them save money for their own place.

In my dream, I can’t remember why but I ended up getting very angry at the girlfriend and kicked them both out. They kept coming back for their stuff, purposely not taking everything each time so that they had to keep coming back. Each time they came back, the more hostile and mouthy the girlfriend would get.

Eventually I told our friend that he was allowed to come back for their stuff but she was not. If she came back with him, I’d call the police and that the next time he came, he was to get all of his stuff or else the rest would be thrown out.

This made her even crazier and she did come back, though she didn’t come in the house but she kept taunting me. Apparently I was pregnant and she kept saying stuff like “I hope your baby dies”…all the while she’d laugh maniacally with an evil grin on her face.

I started to chase her and she turned into this giant wingless dragonfly (that could still fly) and she’d attack me and bite at me, laughing the whole time. Knowing she was pregnant, I didn’t want to squish her so each time I grabbed her wingless body, I’d just try to throw her but she’d keep coming back.

Yep, strange!

The one last night wasn’t as insane as that dream. Again I was pregnant in this dream and I had an idea for my baby shower that I wanted to string up circles cut out of construction paper where I’d write little sayings or thoughts I had for the baby as a keep sake. I had seen something similar online but it was circles with ultrasound pictures from the first, all the way up to the last trimester but I didn’t want to do that (for some reason because I actually like the idea).

I went to my sisters room (I don’t know why she was living with us in the dream) and asked for the paper and her metallic markers. By the time I left the room and got into the living room, my husband had already cut out ultrasound pictures and hung them up and I got so angry because I didn’t want to do that and I began to cry until I realized that I never told him that idea to begin with.

I asked him where he got the idea and he said “Well, my first thought was to have pictures of your breasts hanging up, how they were before pregnancy and how they’ve changed, but I thought this was better since other people will be here.”

He then took an empty picture frame with no backing and held it up to his own chest to frame out his nipple. “Or we could just do mine!” I started laughing and crying at the same time and then woke up.

I can’t really explain either of these dreams but they were so vivid! All I can do right now is hope it’s a good sign – strange, but good.

Feeling Good…For Now

I’m half way into my two week wait now, give or take. At this point I’m feeling pretty good and the last week hasn’t dragged on nearly as slowly as I thought it would. Actually, the last four days have gone by rather quickly.

Although it is still too early to feel any true pregnancy symptoms, I continue to over analyze everything before the rational side of my brain kicks in and tells me to stop being so stupid!

Right on time, a few days after I should have ovulated, I began to feel a few PMS symptoms. I’m one of those that gets tender breasts and sore nipples during PMS so it’s not a clear pregnancy indicator for me, which sucks actually. I know it was the first symptom my mom had that alerted her to being pregnant with me and then my sister but no such luck here.

Something to note is some cravings I had the other day. Normally during PMS I crave chocolate milk. It’s more of a NEED than a want. The other day however, I craved watermelon horribly! I like watermelon – it’s pretty good. But I don’t love watermelon and rarely seek it out.

So hubby was kind enough to bring me to the store where I got the watermelon and then I realized that I also wanted tortilla chips and salsa con queso! I picked that up too.

At home, hubby cut the watermelon in half and both he and I devoured it – using spoons to eat out the red juicy flesh because who needs it cut into slices, right? While scooping out spoonfuls of watermelon, I’d eat my chips and salsa in between bites. Mmmm, it was SO good!

Then that was it…the next day I didn’t want either of them and I still have half of a watermelon in the fridge and neglected tortilla chips and salsa…I hate to waste food so I’m hoping that craving will hit again soon, just so I don’t feel bad.

The only other thing that has happened since ovulation is the change in my cervical mucus. It went from being very wet and slippery up to ovulation and now its white and kind of like lotion. I’ve been keeping an eye on it every day and each day that passes I’ve noticed that there is more and more of it. It’s not dry or crumbly at all – actually my vagina is quite wet because of how much there is. It’s like I’m a human lotion dispenser!

I’ve looked it up and there is conflicting views on what cervical mucus is like after ovulation and if changes like this are a very early sign of pregnancy or not. The conclusion I’ve drawn is that every person is different therefore we will never get a solid definitive answer on this. What kind of crap is that?!

Some women do develop a creamy lotion like discharge after ovulation that increases as days go by and they turn out to be pregnant. Some women dry up after ovulation and still turn out to be pregnant. Others get the lotion like mucus and aren’t pregnant.

For women like me that are trying to conceive and look for anything as a sign that we’ve finally done it, answers like this are disappointing and at times we deny them. The truth is, cervical mucus can be a factor and is certainly worth keeping track of, but it is not the only answer and it can be misleading given how diverse we all are.

I will add that out of all of the pages I looked at, all of the forums I’ve scoured, the majority of women that found out they were pregnant did have an increase in cervical mucus that resembled white creamy lotion. It is common but again, it is not a certain thing.

Having said that, I’m holding onto the hope that it could be a sign but I’m not devoting my heart to it. I will continue to track it and see what happens.

On a lighter note, hubby and I cut down our Christmas tree and have it all decorated! I’m looking forward to carrying on with this family tradition when we have a little one to enjoy it with.

Actually, it was rather cute… when we were out looking for our “perfect” tree, we saw another family at the tree farm doing the same and they had this little boy all bundled up, running from tree to tree and so very excited. Every tree was perfect to him and so he pointed each one out before running up to the next. To him these trees were HUGE but in reality, they were only about three to four feet tall.

I told hubby that if our child picks out a small tree that he/she thinks is perfect, we’ll still cut it down and then let them have it in their bedroom to decorate themselves. We’ll still have the family tree in the living room but that little tree will be theirs. We’ll start a new tradition and our child can create the ornaments out of paper and such, though I probably won’t let them have lights on it until they are older and know about fire safety.

I’m very cautiously optimistic right now. I just keep thinking, wouldn’t it be wonderful to find out we’re pregnant just before Christmas? What an unbelievably beautiful present that would be!

Two Week Wait

I’m only beginning the two week wait and I’m already getting impatient. The day I took the trigger shot I had so much hope and excitement. Yesterday I was still feeling pretty damn good. Today, not so much…

Perhaps it was lack of sleep, I keep telling myself. I do get up early in the morning to bring hubby to work and usually only get six hours of sleep. I decided to go back to sleep this morning when I got home and didn’t wake up until almost one in the afternoon! Still felt like crap…

Even though I had “twinges” in my right side which led me to believe I may actually be ovulating, I’ve convinced myself that it didn’t work. I’ve been trying for so long and although I often have moments of hope, deep down I can’t help but believe that it just won’t happen.

Technically the trigger shot finalizes the maturing process of the follicles before forcing the ovary to ovulate which doesn’t happen until around twenty four to thirty six hours. Given I took the shot around 8pm Tuesday, I wouldn’t have ovulated until last night or this morning assuming I don’t ovulate a little later than that…this would also mean that I’m not even technically a day into the two week wait and yet here I am – a mess.

Wouldn’t it be wonderful if the exact moment the egg became fertilized, there would be some clue that we are in fact pregnant? Some super early immediate symptom not related to PMS or anything other than pregnancy that assured us that we are indeed pregnant.

That isn’t the case…No, we have to wait until we get close to having our period or sometimes even after, that is if she doesn’t rear her ugly head! Then we have to wait an additional few minutes for the stupid line to appear, if it appears. And I’ll tell you, those few minutes pass slower than the two week wait…

You pee on a stick and see the control line appear and for a split second your heart skips a beat because you see a line and secretly hope it’s not the control line, but it is. While you wait your thoughts and emotions are scattered – I’m pregnant, I know it! No, I’m not, I can’t be…Yes, I am, I have to be! Meanwhile you meticulously study the stick, looking for any hint of a line, a shadow of a line, ANYTHING! I think I see something! Nope, just my eyes playing tricks..Is that…no, not yet.

I’ve tried keeping myself busy during this time – doing random meaningless tasks to pass the time but I find myself looking back at the test every ten seconds anyway.

Time is up! We look at the test and pause. For me it has always been blank (aside from the time I had an apparent chemical pregnancy but that’s another story). I’d pick up the test and look at it from every possible angle and in every kind of lighting to see if there is even a hint of a line. Then, while I’m flooded with disappointment and sadness, I’d get angry at the test like the result was its fault and violently toss it into the trash.

The one and only time I did have a positive I remember looking at the test in dismay. I was shocked and surprised but above all, in denial. I took it down to show my husband and it was definitely positive. The excitement came and the joy…oh the joy! Even still, I took another test the next morning and another positive! I can’t describe the elation…

I took pictures of both tests and I couldn’t stop looking at them and each time my heart would swell with so much love and happiness.

So, here I am again…waiting, wanting, needing, and even dreading. I want this so badly that it hurts and it is completely out of my hands. I will wait because I have no choice and then when the time comes, I’ll test with shaking hands – not so good when peeing by the way.

Has it been two weeks yet?